i'm in a really rotten mood.


last night my dad told me that i'm 'not allowed' to go to boston to visit james until i've finished a semester of school.
ummm.... i was going to go there in december BEFORE school even started, so wtf.

so i'm pissed at my parents, and they're upset with me.

plus then james and i were arguing earlier about this whole situation, because he's really upset that after thanksgiving, he probably won't be able to see me for another four months. well yeah, we knew this was going to be a bitch of a time when we got into this relationship, since we're half a country away from each other.
i don't know. i'm just feeling really rushed in every aspect of my life right now, and i'm being pulled in so many different directions. my mind and my heart can't take this. =(

it seems like every time after something bad happens or i experience some form of heartbreak, i end up shutting my emotions off from other people more and more, and i can feel emotion shutting off from myself as well. it's weird. i can feel anger and yeah i can feel sadness, but it's almost like my body isn't allowing itself to feel heartache. i'm blocking out my own emotions. i think some of it is intentional, but a lot of it is unintentional.

i also think i have a mild case of agoraphobia..or something related to it. i've found that i've developed a major anxiety when it comes to going somewhere new or unfamiliar by myself. i also have a weird phone anxiety when i have to call someone i don't know or like an office or something. i get all freaked out and then i can't get myself to do it. that's part of the reason why it takes me so long to get shit done. i'm afraid to go somewhere by myself and i'm afraid to call the place.

man i've got issues.

cool.

~rose